The Understory: Subscriber Goodies

You Don't Have to Save Everyone. Really.

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Wed, 20 May 2026 20:34:37 GMT

It feels good to swoop in and save the day. Don’t I know it! But if you’re constantly solving other people’s disagreements for them — at work, at home, in your community — you might be doing more harm than good, to them, and to yourself.

The Drama Triangle is a social model developed by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman that reveals the unhelpful roles we unc…

This Is What Being Heard Actually Looks Like

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Tue, 19 May 2026 21:45:00 GMT

Remember the looping gone wrong video? If you missed it, check it out here. This time, we’re showing you what looping looks like when it actually works.

Watch how the conversation shifts when someone really feels heard. Notice how the other person opens up, how much more information comes through, and how much easier it becomes to actually understand where they’re coming from. That’s not magic, friends. That’s the skill. And with practice, starting in low-stakes moments, this is exactly what it can feel like in your own conversations.

After watching, drop a comment — what did you notice first?

The Four Trip Wires You Don't Know You're Stepping On

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Mon, 18 May 2026 19:44:00 GMT

Conflict rarely blows up because of the facts. It blows up because of these. Research shows there are four forces — what we call Fire Starters — that are more powerful than the facts themselves. They’re the trip wires that turn a disagreement into something toxic, and most people don’t even know they’re stepping on them. Once you know what they are, you’ll start spotting them everywhere. Check out the four Fire Starters and how to avoid them.

Invite Your Conflict Entrepreneur to Coffee

Amanda Ripley — Sun, 17 May 2026 20:55:00 GMT

What happens when you invite a conflict entrepreneur to coffee and they say no? Turns out, that might actually be the point.

A conflict entrepreneur, by the way, is someone who exploits conflict for their own gain. Chances are, you’ve encountered one.

In a recent talk with school superintendents and school board members, they shared a counterintuitive approach to dealing with the people in their community who seem to thrive on outrage: invite them in. Not to debate. Not to win. Just to humanize yourself — and them.

But here’s the twist: most conflict entrepreneurs won’t show up. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay.

Watch to find out why and what to do when they finally do walk through the door.

The Most Powerful Thing You Can Do When Tensions Go Viral

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Sat, 16 May 2026 17:41:00 GMT

When a painful moment in their community made the news and a social media post poured gasoline on an already charged situation, a group of leaders we’d trained did something countercultural: they stepped away from the noise. Instead of reacting, they picked up the phone and got in a room together. Did it fix everything? No. Trust isn’t rebuilt in a single meeting. But it gave them what they needed most — a path forward and a shared commitment to keep working on it together.

Below you’ll see exactly what they did differently, what worked and what they’d do better next time. There’s something in here for all of us.

That First Instinct? Don't Trust It.

Amanda Ripley — Fri, 15 May 2026 20:12:00 GMT

Your first instinct when someone comes at you in conflict? Probably the wrong one. When someone lashes out, getting defensive feels totally natural. However, it almost always makes things worse.

What if you could catch that instinct before it takes over and do something different instead?

Check out this Good Conflict Case Study, which walks you through a simple but effective perspective shift using a real story about a doctor who turned a tense confrontation into a thoughtful conversation. It’s counterintuitive. It’s completely uncomfortable at first. And it works.

Watch and tell us if you have ever managed to pull off something like this. What worked? What didn’t? What did you learn?

Are Your Conversations Getting Stuck?

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Thu, 14 May 2026 15:47:00 GMT

Looping for Understanding is the most popular skill we teach at Good Conflict — and once you learn it, you’ll want to use it every single day (because it genuinely works). Developed by mediators Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein at the Center for Understanding in Conflict, it’s a simple but powerful way to stay present and curious when someone is sharing something important to them. The more you practice it in everyday conversations, the more natural it feels, so that when a hard conversation actually shows up, you are ready. Use the fill-in-the-blank script below to try it out with a colleague, a boss, a neighbor, a kid, or your partner.

Good Communication Under Pressure Is a Skill. Here's How to Build It.

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Wed, 13 May 2026 17:26:00 GMT

Good communication under pressure does not happen by accident. It’s a skill you build, rep by rep. Just like physical muscle memory, the more you practice something, the less you have to think about it. Eventually, it becomes automatic. (Source: Cleveland Clinic)

That’s exactly why we created these three weekly communication goals. Practice them consistently and watch how much easier it gets to stay grounded in the middle of friction.

This week, commit to:

Practicing deep listening by looping (a technique developed by The Center for Understanding in Conflict)
Looking for conflict entrepreneurs (and making sure you’re not becoming one!)
Asking curious questions instead of reactive ones

Use the “I will...” prompts in the images to make it personal and specific. Small reps, big shifts.

Conflict Is Inevitable. Here's Your Roadmap Through It.

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Tue, 12 May 2026 17:01:00 GMT

Conflict doesn’t have to end your relationships. It can actually (wait for it…) be the thing that strengthens them. Seriously! At Good Conflict, we developed Getting to Good Conflict. It’s a four-step process you can adapt to almost any situation, whether you’re navigating a family dispute, workplace tension, neighbor disagreement, or a fight with a fri…

This Is NOT How to Loop

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Mon, 11 May 2026 21:10:00 GMT

Looping is harder than it looks. Most of us think we’re doing it right until we see ourselves on camera!

Looping is the practice of paraphrasing what you heard someone say — what seems most important to them — in your own words, then checking in to make sure you actually understood them. It takes time to get used to and even longer to make it your own. But like any skill worth having, the more you practice it (starting off in low-stakes situations), the more natural it becomes.

In this video, we show you what looping looks like when it goes terribly wrong, because seeing the mistakes is sometimes the fastest way to learn.

Watch, shake your heads and drop a comment telling me where it went sideways. We’re all in this together.

And keep an eye out for your exclusive goodie showing you what looping looks like when it goes right.

Finallly, a very special thank you to Dr. Ashley Cross for her patience. She’s a good sport!

When Us vs. Them Takes Over Your Team

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Sun, 10 May 2026 14:41:00 GMT

When conflict creates an "us vs. them" dynamic on your team, it can feel like you're caught in an impossible situation. We recently worked with a nonprofit whose board and volunteers were clashing over bylaws and power struggles — a classic us vs. them scenario. We helped them flip the script by introducing what we call "low-hanging fruit”: simple, practical tools like incorporating food and music into their upcoming meeting. These small shifts changed the tone of the whole conversation. It sounds simple because it is. And simple works.

Good Conflict Doesn't Wait Until You're Ready

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Sat, 09 May 2026 16:45:00 GMT

Conflict has awful timing. It never shows up when you’re rested and ready. That’s why we tell people the best time to train for it is right now. Prep in the low-stakes moments, the small disagreements that don’t feel like a big deal. Think of it like a dress rehearsal. The more you practice when the pressure is off, the more natural it feels when the pressure is on.

Check out the images for a few tips to try this week. Download them, give them a shot, and come back and tell us how it went. We genuinely want to know.

The Argument Isn't Really About What You Think It's About

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Fri, 08 May 2026 17:18:00 GMT

A lot of us approach conflict like a judge. We’re sizing up the situation, deciding who’s right and who’s wrong and preparing our verdict. But judgment closes doors. Curiosity opens them. At Good Conflict, we teach a technique called Investigating the Understory, which helps dig beneath the surface of a conflict to uncover what’s really driving it. This tends to be the most interesting, surprising part of a disagreement.

We recently worked with a CEO who used this approach and walked away with something better than a resolution. They discovered a whole new way of seeing the people they lead.

Check out the images and the downloadable PDF to try it for yourself.

The Mindset Shift That Makes Conflict Less Scary

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Tue, 05 May 2026 16:50:00 GMT

Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how you handle it. Whether you're a CEO, a school superintendent, or a parent, conflict will arise. The key is to shift how you see it: not as a failure, but as something that, when handled well, brings people closer and builds stronger teams and families. Try using these affirmations daily for 30 days, and let us know what shifts you notice in yourself and in the people around you.

Good Conflict Affirmations For Everyday Leaders

12.7MB ∙ PDF file

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Save these affirmations for later when you find yourself faced with tough conversations, challenging dynamics, or internal struggles that need resolution.

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The Secret Weapon for Healthy Conflict

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Mon, 04 May 2026 15:39:00 GMT

What if disagreement didn’t have to feel so scary? Healthy conflict — the kind where people actually listen and work things out — is possible, and it starts with one deceptively simple technique called Looping. Developed by Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein at The Center for Understanding in Conflict, Looping is a form of deep listening where you reflect back what sounds most important to the other person, making sure you truly understand where they’re coming from. Try it the next time you disagree with someone. You might be surprised by what you learn, and what you can achieve together.

Looping: The Secret Weapon For Healthy Conflict

408KB ∙ PDF file

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You Think You're A Good Listener. Here's the Truth.

Hélène Biandudi Hofer — Sun, 03 May 2026 15:55:00 GMT

Most of us think we’re pretty good listeners. Turns out we’re not. And that’s not a criticism. It’s just that nobody ever really taught us how to listen. Truly hearing someone, especially in the middle of a hard conversation, is one of the hardest things to do. But it’s also one of the most powerful.

That’s where Looping* comes in.

Looping is the skill we…